PT2
Chapter 22 “Merry Christmas”
Serious
We set sail on the wine-dark sea. For pudding I had iced ice, my stocking stuffer was a kick in the arse. Peleg cried.
Satiric
Bildad parted tearfully with these words. “By all means, praise god almighty, and be sure to wear clean underpants!”
Chapter 23 “The Lee Shore”
Serious
“Here does not lie Bulkington,” was engraved upon the paradoxical safe-peril, the death-life of sea-land. The wind blew too stiff.
Satiric
Alas, poor Bulkington, I knew him well. A character of infinite depth and detail, he suffered death by narrative inconvenience.
Chapter 24 “The Advocate”
Serious
I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a harpoon thrust into the living eye of a colossal sperm whale.
Satiric
Whaling is awesome, and I am a very reliable narrator! Just ask Robinson Gulliver! Get that camera out of my face! *signal lost*
Chapter 25 “Postscript”
Serious
Whale oil is put on otherwise silly kings and queens, like salad dressing or hair cream.
Satiric
Whale oil is put on otherwise silly kings and queens, like salad dressing or hair cream.
Chapter 26 “Knights and Squires”
Serious
“What a piece of work is man.” The meanest sailor I do imbue with the greatness and infamy of Kings.
Satiric
Starbuck was courageous but cautious. See? I can right awesome and impressive non-royal characters! Albion, kiss my blowhole.
Chapter 27 “Knights and Squires”
Serious
Behold this motley crew of stalwart men. They are fierce as any knights of yore, different as night and day, and all under American command.
Satiric
Here’s a great big load of cool characters with informed abilities. This way you’ll care about them when somebody gets killed off.
Chapter 28 “Ahab”
Serious
Ahab was scarred and unsmiling as a statue. Like his kindred, the lightning-cleft tree and the figure of bronze, he did not speak or move.
Satiric
The star character finally appears and does…nothing. But he’s Ahab, and you know he’s cool. Just you wait and see.
Chapter 29 “Enter Ahab, to him, Stubb”
Serious
So all the ship did sail through summer, and Ahab warmed till sleepless. By his heated words, Stubb was badly scalded.
Satiric
Oh how magically pretty the tropics are. The sea sparkles like a Cullen, fit to sooth the angstiest soul! Ahab-STFU furfag! Stub-wtf?! ._.
Chapter 30 The Pipe
Serious
Peg-legged Odin sits uncomfortably. “I’m too tense ter wait fer Ragnerack,” he snarls, and flings his spear into Midgard.
Satirical
“Grrr! I’m too crotchety to smoke,” monologued Ahab, the sea sultan, the president of planks, the constitutional monarch of mariners.
Chapter 31 “Queen Mab”
Serious
So one shark insult banged about in Stubb’s skull all night, that he took heed of white whale warning come the morning.
Satiric
“Flask, don’t mess with Ahab or you’ll spend the night awash in deconstructionist symbolism.” Ahab-Plot point ahead!
Chapter 33 “The Specksynder”
Serious
How fierce and full of diabolic politick is Ahab, but in wind-robed majesty he pays lipservice to the chief harpooner.
Satiric
This seems as good a place as any to set down another unnecessary and self-indulgent tangent.
Chapter 34 “The Cabin-Tale”
Serious
While the harpooners terrified the waiter by rough words and fearsome gestures, captain Ahab kept a tighter rein of terror by loud silence.
Satiric
Wherein the protagonist conducts in-depth examination the sociological and intercultural causes of awkward lunch breaks.
Chapter 36 “The Quarter-Deck”
Serious
“Stay the course, er this mission is accomplished” the stark fanatic cried. A wave of exaltation splashed Starbuck.
Satiric
“Arrr, I be spouting a morally ambivalent philosophy while encouraging these fools to join me. Hark at me fluid symbolism!”
Chapter 37 “Sunset”
Serious
These sailors are enflamed by my passions. The damp sun-stag calls me a mooncalf. My pale adversary flies, and so the fire freezes me.
Satiric
Our hero recounts Ahab sitting alone, scoffing at the charge of madness while warn the whale that he is a choo-choo of vengeance.
Chapter 38 “Dusk”
Serious
Oh dear poor me. The captain’s become a Fascist angel, the crew follow him blindly like pagan apostles. There is fear.
Satirical
Oh blimey oh blimey the captain is cracked! The men have gone round the bend! This fear I feel must be outside, to whet my frontmost end.
Chapter 39 “First Night-Watch”
Serious
Here’s some stubby wisdom for Starbuck, says I, “eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow ye die.”
Satiric
Ha! Ha ha ha-ack, eeehaack, *turns, expectorates phlegm-ridden gob at audience*. Blimey, this is getting wyrd. Sod it all.
Chapter 40 Midnight/Forcastle
Serious
*All enter, singing* Three cheers for captain Ahab, today to do or die! The sorcerer shouted, “y’all are doomed, says I.”
Satiric
The cast of broad national stereotypes swung on stage, but they crashed into the cast of Treasure Island the musical and sank.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Complete Moby Dick, Abridged, pt1
The Complete Moby Dick (Abridged) Chapters 1-21.
Chapter 1 “Loomings”
Serious
Ishmael always goes to the sea when he is troubled. People everywhere are naturally drawn to the sea. This will be his first time signing on a whaling vessel.
Satiric
Call me Ishmael. I like to see the sea when I’m mentally out to sea. Everyone likes to see the sea, don’t you see? Whales lol.
Chapter 2 “The carpetbag”
Serious
I wandered dark and dreary streets. Each inn was too luxurious for my meager means, but I found The Spouter delightfully dismal.
Satiric
I need a crappy place to crash, but these places are fun and the Super 8 franchise hasn’t been invented yet. *enters Spouter in humming “Baby it’s Cold Outside”*
Chapter 3 “The Spouter Inn”
Serious
The nobby savage Queequeg and I gave each other quite a fright this night. I had been misinformed, but often strange bedfellows sleep soundly.
Satiric
Yes, but is it art? I meet the savage Queequeg…in bed! Me and Queequeg-OMG! WFT?! ROTFL! *slashfic vibes*
Chapter 4 “The Counterpane
Serious
It was a confused patchwork of a morning, but my companion Queequeg awkwardly assumed the trappings of western civilization.
Satiric
Wherein the hero considesr morning multiculturalism and has difficulty getting out of bed.
Chapter 5 “Breakfast”
Serious
The table was silent and uneasy as a sixth grade dance class. Queequeg, with his harpoon fork and rare meat, was the only man in his rightful place.
Satiric
Wherein our narrator politely refrains from discussing Queequeg’s peculiar habits of eating raw meat, skipping coffee, and being very foreign.
Chapter 6 “The Street”
Serious
From Bombay to New Bedford, the uncommon is commonplace at seaport, though exotic characters still shock the locals. I love the novelty of autumn.
Satiric
People from other places freak people out, and I like fall leaves and bright candles. I like them a lot. They are very very pretty.
Chapter 7 “The Chapel”
Serious
The closure to grief was elusive for all those whose dead was marked by a nameless patch of churning waves. Form was shadow, and I of shadows formed.
Satirical:
The narrator meditates upon distress caused by the insufficient buoyancy of tombstones, with Guest Appearance by Plato!
Chapter 8 “The Pulpit”
Serious
Our church prepared to lift anchor as the captain ascended.
Satirical:
In which the narrator questions the motives of a flush-faced dubious character coming in out of the rain.
Chapter 9 “The Sermon”
Serious
The captain told us when a panicked man was swallowed by the maw of retribution, to agree it was deserved was his best choice.
Satirical
A man of the cloth advises “Like Jonah’s awkward position in the whale, this too shall pass.”
Chapter 10 “A Bosom Friend”
Serious
This dear pagan saved me from the idolatry of superstitious Christian practices. His story is one worth hearing.
Satirical
In which the narrator studies an exotic beauty closely. The two are found in bed enjoying a smoke after satisfying intercourse.
Chapter 11 “Nightgown”
Serious
On a cold windy night, we snuggled close. Lords of London and local landowners lack the comfort of my little smoke.
Satirical
The narrator is prevented from getting a good night’s sleep by the need to set stage for backstory/exposition.
Chapter 12 “Biographical”
Serious
Call me Queequeg. After years of sailing east by northwest, he concluded, wherever you go, there you are.
Satiric
Wherein a young man ventures the world to seek fortune, learns to tell temperature from virtue, and eschews his native cuisine.
Chapter 13 “Wheelbarrow”
“Civilized men wear shirts, degenerate savages go skins,” insisted a friend, despite the jeers of his poolside peers. Do what you must.
Satiric
Wherein racial tensions and freedom of speech lead to mutual bonding through public bathing and healthy exercise.
Chapter 15 “Chowder”
Serious
I found the chowder lived up to its astounding reputation, but the menu was limited and service is lousy. Three and a half stars.
Satiric
Common hussy tries to part Queequeg from his valuables; Ishmael deluges the reader in some cod-awful puns.
Chapter 16 “The Ship”
Serious
I walked the boards as advised by my partner’s horoscope. Things boded, and the cop brothers Good and Bad got me below min. wage.
Satiric
The protagonist carries out a holy quest; providence leads him to three noble vessels, the “Shitte,” The “Yore,” and the “Scrood”.
Chapter 17 “The Ramadan”
Serious
Dear Rabbi Weinstein was unreasonably picky at my Friday Night BBQ, just like Father Murphy. Perfect pork chops left untouched.
Satiric
Protagonist has lively discussion while Queequeg listens. Close friends disagree about popular fad diets.
Chapter 18 “His Mark”
Serious
Received mixed reception from employers. I had to stretch the truth to pull one over Bildad. Life was visible btw jaws of death. Who’s Ahab?
Satiric
Wherein traditionalists oppose affirmative action, Queequeg. Peleg explains the inverse relationship of humidity and piety.
Chapter 19 “The Prophet”
Serious
The terror alert was code orange, but, seeing as no useful information was provided, I paid it no heed.
Satiric
All foreshadowing and no detail makes Elijah a dull prophet. All foreshadowing and no detail makes Elijah a dull prophet. All foreshadowing-
Chapter 20 “All Astir”
They packed chicken, corn, green peppers, chile and (the waiting is the worst part. Rumor suggests Ahab is a short tall man) onions.
Satiric
Beleg and Pildad packed a lot of stuff, but it would be tedious and dull to list all the supplies they got. Ahab’s still late.
Chapter 21- Going Aboard
Serious
Queequeg and I received further vague and ominous warnings from Elijah, but the enigmatic and multifarious Ahab remains hidden from sight.
Satiric
Elijah-I can has lots of vague forshadowing? Ahab am crazy. Me and Queequeg-pics or it didn’t happen.
Chapter 1 “Loomings”
Serious
Ishmael always goes to the sea when he is troubled. People everywhere are naturally drawn to the sea. This will be his first time signing on a whaling vessel.
Satiric
Call me Ishmael. I like to see the sea when I’m mentally out to sea. Everyone likes to see the sea, don’t you see? Whales lol.
Chapter 2 “The carpetbag”
Serious
I wandered dark and dreary streets. Each inn was too luxurious for my meager means, but I found The Spouter delightfully dismal.
Satiric
I need a crappy place to crash, but these places are fun and the Super 8 franchise hasn’t been invented yet. *enters Spouter in humming “Baby it’s Cold Outside”*
Chapter 3 “The Spouter Inn”
Serious
The nobby savage Queequeg and I gave each other quite a fright this night. I had been misinformed, but often strange bedfellows sleep soundly.
Satiric
Yes, but is it art? I meet the savage Queequeg…in bed! Me and Queequeg-OMG! WFT?! ROTFL! *slashfic vibes*
Chapter 4 “The Counterpane
Serious
It was a confused patchwork of a morning, but my companion Queequeg awkwardly assumed the trappings of western civilization.
Satiric
Wherein the hero considesr morning multiculturalism and has difficulty getting out of bed.
Chapter 5 “Breakfast”
Serious
The table was silent and uneasy as a sixth grade dance class. Queequeg, with his harpoon fork and rare meat, was the only man in his rightful place.
Satiric
Wherein our narrator politely refrains from discussing Queequeg’s peculiar habits of eating raw meat, skipping coffee, and being very foreign.
Chapter 6 “The Street”
Serious
From Bombay to New Bedford, the uncommon is commonplace at seaport, though exotic characters still shock the locals. I love the novelty of autumn.
Satiric
People from other places freak people out, and I like fall leaves and bright candles. I like them a lot. They are very very pretty.
Chapter 7 “The Chapel”
Serious
The closure to grief was elusive for all those whose dead was marked by a nameless patch of churning waves. Form was shadow, and I of shadows formed.
Satirical:
The narrator meditates upon distress caused by the insufficient buoyancy of tombstones, with Guest Appearance by Plato!
Chapter 8 “The Pulpit”
Serious
Our church prepared to lift anchor as the captain ascended.
Satirical:
In which the narrator questions the motives of a flush-faced dubious character coming in out of the rain.
Chapter 9 “The Sermon”
Serious
The captain told us when a panicked man was swallowed by the maw of retribution, to agree it was deserved was his best choice.
Satirical
A man of the cloth advises “Like Jonah’s awkward position in the whale, this too shall pass.”
Chapter 10 “A Bosom Friend”
Serious
This dear pagan saved me from the idolatry of superstitious Christian practices. His story is one worth hearing.
Satirical
In which the narrator studies an exotic beauty closely. The two are found in bed enjoying a smoke after satisfying intercourse.
Chapter 11 “Nightgown”
Serious
On a cold windy night, we snuggled close. Lords of London and local landowners lack the comfort of my little smoke.
Satirical
The narrator is prevented from getting a good night’s sleep by the need to set stage for backstory/exposition.
Chapter 12 “Biographical”
Serious
Call me Queequeg. After years of sailing east by northwest, he concluded, wherever you go, there you are.
Satiric
Wherein a young man ventures the world to seek fortune, learns to tell temperature from virtue, and eschews his native cuisine.
Chapter 13 “Wheelbarrow”
“Civilized men wear shirts, degenerate savages go skins,” insisted a friend, despite the jeers of his poolside peers. Do what you must.
Satiric
Wherein racial tensions and freedom of speech lead to mutual bonding through public bathing and healthy exercise.
Chapter 15 “Chowder”
Serious
I found the chowder lived up to its astounding reputation, but the menu was limited and service is lousy. Three and a half stars.
Satiric
Common hussy tries to part Queequeg from his valuables; Ishmael deluges the reader in some cod-awful puns.
Chapter 16 “The Ship”
Serious
I walked the boards as advised by my partner’s horoscope. Things boded, and the cop brothers Good and Bad got me below min. wage.
Satiric
The protagonist carries out a holy quest; providence leads him to three noble vessels, the “Shitte,” The “Yore,” and the “Scrood”.
Chapter 17 “The Ramadan”
Serious
Dear Rabbi Weinstein was unreasonably picky at my Friday Night BBQ, just like Father Murphy. Perfect pork chops left untouched.
Satiric
Protagonist has lively discussion while Queequeg listens. Close friends disagree about popular fad diets.
Chapter 18 “His Mark”
Serious
Received mixed reception from employers. I had to stretch the truth to pull one over Bildad. Life was visible btw jaws of death. Who’s Ahab?
Satiric
Wherein traditionalists oppose affirmative action, Queequeg. Peleg explains the inverse relationship of humidity and piety.
Chapter 19 “The Prophet”
Serious
The terror alert was code orange, but, seeing as no useful information was provided, I paid it no heed.
Satiric
All foreshadowing and no detail makes Elijah a dull prophet. All foreshadowing and no detail makes Elijah a dull prophet. All foreshadowing-
Chapter 20 “All Astir”
They packed chicken, corn, green peppers, chile and (the waiting is the worst part. Rumor suggests Ahab is a short tall man) onions.
Satiric
Beleg and Pildad packed a lot of stuff, but it would be tedious and dull to list all the supplies they got. Ahab’s still late.
Chapter 21- Going Aboard
Serious
Queequeg and I received further vague and ominous warnings from Elijah, but the enigmatic and multifarious Ahab remains hidden from sight.
Satiric
Elijah-I can has lots of vague forshadowing? Ahab am crazy. Me and Queequeg-pics or it didn’t happen.
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