Final Moby Dick Abridged

Chapter 41
Serious
The methodical mad maiden Ahab sought to slay the largest vampire in the sea. Her crewmen were Rozencrantz and Guildenstern.
Satirical
Moby’s here, he’s there, he’s everywhere! Beware! Beware! Beware! Hefful-Ahab and White Woozles!

Chapter 55 “Of the Monstrous Pictures of Whales”
Serious
From eldest pagan temples to the hallowed learning of modern naturalists, the whale remains impossible to picture.
Satiric
Everyone gets whales drawn all wrong because they don’t see em live swimming, but I won’t belabor the point.

Chapter 61 “Stubb kills a Whale”
Serious
A great beast is spotted, and with much pain and panic, it is brought to an end in much pain and panic.
Satiric
Stubb killed a whale. Take my word for it. Also I dozed off at watch.

Chapter 64 “Stubb’s Supper”
Serious
While hoary Ahab brooded darkly upon his thwarted aims, the Stubb and sharks reveled in their good fortune.
Satiric
In which a delicacy is prepared according such hygienic standards that the diner is prompted to enter theological disputations with the cook

Chapter 66 “The Shark Massacre”
Serious
So filled with frenzy and bold in bloodlust were the sharks that no steel stops their ferocious feasting with certainty.
Satiric
In which a pest control problem is seen too, and the educated savage displays his knowledge of civilized values.

Chapter 69 “The Funeral”
Serious
The carcass is mourned by scavengers of water and air. “Tradition” is a fancy word for fear of vast dead things.
Satiric
There’s a big dead whale floating around with stuff on it. Eeeew!

Chapter 70 “The Sphynx”
Serious
This cold dead whale has seen wisdom old and terrible beneath the wine-dark sea. Not so, for me.
Satiric
Prophetic portents and purple prose are a great way to get ahead in the novel-writing profession.

Chapter 71 “The Jeroboam’s story”
Serious
The foaming plague angel Gabriel had more in common with Azreal, yet he and Ahab share the same theology.
Satiric
In which an inspirational leader triumphs by the power of faith against an embittered tyrant, and a much-awaited letter is received.

Chapter 72 “The Monkey Rope
Serious
Dangling from an umbilicus, Queequeg was in a sour spot. Stubb’s gritty charity then spoiled my symbolism.
Satiric
In which the narrator checks out Queequeg’s shapely thighs while yanking his string and Stubb attempts to get him drunk.

Chapter 73 “Stubb and Flask kill a Right Whale; and Then Have a Talk over Him”
Serious
To supplicate the god-fearing, the two men killed an extra whale, lashed it to the boat, and called it open debate.
Satiric
Stubb lectured “This here whale is a magic talisman, and that old guy’s the devil, and god’s a guvna.” Flask asked “What are you smoking?”